MINNEAPOLIS — Just like everyone else, officer Chaunte Ford was on pins and needles Tuesday afternoon.
"I was actually driving back to the station," Ford said. "I was listening to it on my phone, and I heard, guilty and I was like no, no, what?"
Disbelief led her to call a friend who confirmed that ex-MPD officer Derek Chauvin was found guilty on all three charges.
"I really couldn't believe it," Ford said. "But the one thing that really hurts me is the fact that we had to second guess. The fact that we are sitting on pins and needles to see if justice was going to be served. That's a problem."
The wait to see if the system was going to deliver put her in a unique position because she too wears a uniform, making her also a part of the system.
"All those emotions run through my mind..." she trailed off. "But yeah, I'm still putting it on. I'm still there."
Ford said she wears her badge with honor, but this last year and this last month has weighed heavily on her heart.
Her voice though, has opened doors.
"It feels really good to think about-- when Jamar Clark and Philando Castile were killed in my mind frame then-- how I felt I couldn't speak out," Ford said. "How I felt isolated and alone to fast forward now, I can use my voice. You have to use your voice in a good way, you can use your voice. I go to the marches, I go to George Floyd Square and stop by where Daunte is, and I can do that and it's okay. It's not wrong. That's healing for me."
She added that healing herself is important because she doesn't know what will come next.
"Because if we don't heal those wounds, they're still going to be open," she said. "Stuff will still be able to get in. I have to heal those open wounds in order to do the next thing. That doesn't mean I'm going to forget, I do have to process my feelings and thoughts, and heal."
Ford said she has found enough room for both self-healing and to help heal others as well.
"Now I'm not the only Black officer," she said. "I actually created a group we meet -- we're Black public safety in the city-- we've been meeting for a while, we meet and process our feelings with each other and check up on each other."