MINNEAPOLIS — One of the biggest challenges many parents face is trying to help their children get motivated to succeed in school, sports, music, the workplace, or life in general.
We may try withholding privileges, offering rewards, or constant nagging, hoping we can make our child be motivated – but to no avail.
Developmental Psychologist Dr. Marti Erickson, co-host of the Mom Enough podcast, joined KARE 11 Saturday to discuss why our efforts to motivate our kids often have the opposite effect – and what we can do instead.
What does it mean to be self-driven or motivated and what works against it for children today?
We are NOT talking today about the little things we need kids to do every day, such as getting up and dressed on time, brushing their teeth, or having their things organized for school, although those are important and we need to set clear expectations and maybe have incentives that help kids to do those things. (That is enlisting cooperation, not developing motivation.)
Today we are talking about the self-motivation needed for the long game, the inner drive that leads kids to commit and persevere, building their potential, and taking steps toward living the life they want to live.
Obstacles to that are pressure, high levels of stress (toxic stress), and too little control over their own lives.
We cannot be our children's motivation, nor can we make our children be motivated. If we provide rewards, that "extrinsic" motivation can dampen children's "intrinsic" motivation.
Our best role is to be "consultants," helping children find their inner drive and put it to use toward their own goals.
Four keys to helping your children develop self-motivation for life:
- Help your child discover passions and dreams. Ask open-ended questions about when they feel happiest, most confident, focused, and energized. Ask about the life they imagine for themselves, not only years later, but next month, this weekend, or this evening. What would they like to learn or get better at, and what steps could they take to make that happen? What would they need from you to do that?
- Support your child in setting goals (long-term and short-term). Even if their goals are not the goals you would set for them, bringing focus and energy to something they care about gives their brain useful practice in self-motivation, and it triggers the production of dopamine in the brain, which increases motivation and reduces stress.
- Encourage downtime for brain refreshment. With your child, figure out what works best in terms of refreshing their brain from the stress and pressure of busy, noisy lives (and, for most kids AND parents, way too much time on their electronic devices). What would be the best after-school and evening schedule for them so they could get the necessities done with the least hassle? Would a walk and time to daydream clear out the cobwebs before tackling a hard task? Or a break to read a chapter in a book just for pleasure or to go out and shoot hoops for a half hour? Let your child make the decision and see how it works.
- Consider engaging an older teen or young adult be a support person. Often it is hard for us parents to disengage as much as we need to do to let our children discover their inner drive and find a new rhythm for living the life they want to live. But older high school or college students may be eager to help by being a study mate, a buddy, or a tutor in a subject or skill your child is struggling with.
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