GOLDEN VALLEY, Minn. — SportsLife is a recurring blog examining issues that impact young athletes, their families, officials and the greater community. Topics come from YOU: email them to news@kare11.com with SportsLife - Dana Thiede in the topic line.
There are time-honored ingredients that are necessary for a successful youth sports season.
First and foremost are players with physical talent, a good work ethic and team-first attitude.
Those players need coaches who are knowledgeable, patient, and able to communicate with their athletes.
A component that rarely gets mentioned (but can be glaring in its absence) is a crew of good sports parents to support the athletes and their coaches and fuel the fun over months of practices, games and tournaments.
Although they don't shoot the ball or pass the puck, a sports parent with the right perspective - one who "gets it" - can help make the season fun and positive. On the flip side, a parent who is too involved, questions coaching decisions or criticizes their kid's teammates can drench the experience in misery.
Hans Skulstad has seen both versions. While he is a licensed therapist, performance specialist and founder of Center for Sports and The Mind, Skulstad is also a hockey dad who has both witnessed boorish behavior by overcompetitive sports parents and enjoyed the camaraderie of those who revel in watching their kids play, learn and grow.
"What we're hoping to prepare or do by having our kids involved in sports is to prepare him (or her) for the trials and tribulations of life," Skulstad explains. "And so if you take more of a learning tone in your approach to watching games and supporting your child, they're much more likely to have a better experience. I mean, I get that there are times when it's going to be hard to maintain your composure. And there are going to be times when things upset you. And that's okay, that's normal. But the other part of it is... being a great teammate to your child... knowing when to censor yourself, and knowing it's okay to feel and accept that you feel that way. It's a different thing if you act on it."
"Acting on it" can mean everything from standing up in a hockey rink to scream at an official to storming down after a basketball game to engage a coach when that parent feels their child did not get enough playing time. Publicly criticizing the play of another parent's child or getting in a physical confrontation with an opposing fan are among the additional destructive behaviors that can embarrass a young athlete and divide the team community.
Skulstad says being a good sports parent is a choice that requires conscious thought and actions. He shared a list of things that should be in the plan.
- Don't confuse, defuse: Remember your child's performance is not a direct reflection of who you are, or your success as a parent. Too often we confuse what we do with who we are and make meaning out of that. During a game or a season, doing so can lead us down a dangerous road that includes overreacting to the not-good-enoughs.
- Have a plan for how you are going to respond to the inevitable ups and downs of a game or a season. Take a long view and remember that each moment in a game or a season is not defining, and not the reason why we choose to put our children in athletics. Know how to reboot your brain using physical calming skills and or mental imagery techniques so you don't lose your composure.
- Be aware - If life has been challenging - a broken down car, a bad day at work, even a driver who cuts you off - it may be more difficult to maintain your composure and or be who you want to be when watching a game from the stands. This means you may have to work harder to stay composed.
- Be determined - Set an intention for how you want to be and how you want to act in the stands. Stick to that plan and have others ready and in place to let you know if you are departing from that plan. Setting intention is a powerful tool that keeps us composed.
- Don't fall into the winning and losing trap - Often the strongest trigger for losing your composure during a game (or throughout the season) is trying to win arguments with fans and parents of other teams. It is rare, and not likely, that you will be able to get that parent or fan who is "losing it" to see things differently. Emotions are driving their behavior and they are the only ones who can put on the brakes. Unless you know that person well and have a relationship with them, It's best to just leave things alone.
- Don't get kicked out - Know your triggers for what might push you out of control, and have a plan in place for when something (or someone) pushes your buttons. Getting kicked out of a gym or arena will only make you feel more embarrassed, and not good enough. Your young athlete will also be humiliated and likely will no longer see you as a credible source for learning how to stay composed in highly emotional environments.
- Be smart… Watch the cocktails - Many highly emotional situations or meltdowns that occur at games can be attributed to a drink or two... or three. It's OK to enjoy a beer or cocktail before a game (it's a time-honored parental tradition that in hockey is known as the "safety meeting") but be aware of the correlation between the number of drinks and your ability to stay composed during a heated moment come game time.
Another potential minefield presents itself AFTER the game is over. During the car ride home, some parents take it upon themselves to critique their kiddo's game and the decisions made by the coaching staff, a process that can
"Most kids know when they've played poorly. And most kids go to their coaches or know what they need to do better," Skulstad reasons. "And the other thing that I would say is... the older kids get the much less likely they are to view the parent feedback as accurate anyway. So you're kind of wasting your breath. And the other way I like to think about it, is this where you want to spend your parenting capital on, how they play the game and give them feedback about that? Or do you want to spend your parenting capital on things at home... doing chores, being a good person, acting with integrity, all that kind of stuff?"
Skulstad's son is skating on the high school team these days, which means the days of youth hockey and traveling teams are in the rearview mirror. Still, he had plenty of years to witness and collect horror stories about bad sports parents, like one who went down to the locker room to yell at a player (who was not their child) and another who told their athlete that the family was pouring a ton of money into training and getting a "poor return" on the investment. There are many more, but in the bigger picture Skulstad says he will remember his time as a sports parent - and the people he shared it with - fondly.
"I've been blessed throughout my son's Youth Hockey experience, to have a pretty solid, actually a great set of parents numerous years," he reflects. "And what that means is people are supportive of one another. It's fun, not everything is taken too seriously. There's mutual respect, everybody is rooting and cheering for each other's kid, expressing concern when they're injured, but also viewing the experience and the parents as a group of people who are trying to raise good kids."
For more from licensed therapist and performance specialist Hans Skulstad, check out his Center for Sports and the Mind website.
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